


Everything and Nothing

by alexcat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Love, M/M, More angst, Sad, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-28 08:26:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20775527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexcat/pseuds/alexcat
Summary: Steve loved him from the beginning. He had trouble with the words.





	Everything and Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> I have been listening to too much sad Townes Van Zandt today. This is the product of that.

_Everything is not enough and nothin' is too much to bear._  
~ Townes Van Zandt (To Live is to Fly)

*

In the end, he knew what it was to have everything and to have nothing. 

But it didn’t start out that way. 

He was raw and new when thawed from the ice. He’d had so little time to become someone. Or at least it felt that way. He’d been little Steve then he was a trained monkey. Then a soldier.

And then he was gone.

And now he wasn’t. These people were from a different time. They had no life experience that he understood at all. Tony Stark was a Stark, a lot like Howard, a lot like someone else. Maybe his mother. Steve was drawn to him against his will and certainly against his better judgment. But there it was anyway. 

As much as he often thought he wasn’t quite human because of the serum and because he was damn near a hundred years old, Tony Stark reminded him that he was a man, a man with human needs and desires. 

“So, uh, Cap, what d’you say?” Tony was oddly uncaring but for the need in those dark eyes.

“To what? I was lost there for a minute,” he said as he looked at Tony. 

“Want to grab something to eat? No idea why but these missions make me hungry.”

Steve smiled. Why not? He wondered if the need showed in his eyes, too. He felt it, that was for sure. 

“Wanna ride my bike?” he asked. 

Tony nodded. “Do you drive it like an old man?” 

Steve laughed. “Yeah, I probably do. Wanna ride anyway?”

“Yeah, sure.” 

They rode to a burger joint Steve had found when he was out running one day. The burgers were handmade and the fries cut there in the restaurant. It reminded him of a place in the old neighborhood. 

“You moving to DC?” Tony asked as they sat down to eat. 

“Eventually. Fury seems to think I might fall off some deep end and do something dire here in New York.”

“Come on. You can’t believe that.” This coming from one of the most skeptical men he knew.

“Fury thinks we are his pet freaks, or that I am, anyway.” 

“And here I thought you were all sunshine.”

“Come on, Tony. I fought Hitler’s worst men, men who did unspeakable things simply because they could. Not much sunshine in those places.” 

Tony nodded. “Do you want to go to DC?” 

“Not particularly, but I’m a soldier and I go where I’m sent.”

“You don’t have to be, you know.” 

“A soldier? What else am I going to do? I don’t have the skills for this time except for being a soldier.”

“I don’t think I want you to leave yet.” Tony leaned a little closer across the table, but didn’t say more. He didn’t need to.

“Then I won’t leave yet.” He reached his hand across and touched Stark’s hand. 

They finished their food and rode back to Avengers Tower. When they got on the elevator, Steve punched the button for his floor. Tony didn’t hit any button and when they reached Steve’s floor, they both got off and Steve went to his door, unlocking it with his keycard. He held it open for Tony. He turned on a lamp after he closed the door.

They approached one another without saying a word, embracing and kissing in the middle of the room. Steve’s heart was racing and he could see the fire in Tony’s eyes. 

“We can stop and you can go. I can’t do casual,” Steve said when they moved apart to tug at one another’s clothes, not removing them, just unfastening buttons and belts. 

“I’m not looking for a fuck buddy, Rogers. I – you – there’s something different here.” 

Steve had seen the Arc Reactor in the suit but now he watched as Tony pulled his t-shirt up and off. It glowed bright in the dim light of his den. Steve wanted to bathe in the light, offer himself to it. He reached his hand out to it and Tony moved back. 

“I – I don’t usually take my shirt off,” Tony said. “It seems to make people nervous. Even Pepper isn’t nuts about it.” 

Steve closed in on him. “I want to touch it, to touch you.”

Tony nodded and Steve put his hand over the reactor. He let his fingers circle it and then he touched Tony’s chest, the scars surrounding it. He had his hand on Tony’s chest and he pulled him close and kissed him again, sliding his tongue inside Tony’s mouth, caressing his tongue as his hand gently caressed Tony’s scars then finding a nipple to tease as Tony made a sound deep in his throat. 

“God, I want you so badly,” Steve whispered as his hand slid down farther, down Tony’s belly to the top of his trousers. 

“How long?” Tony asked and at first, Steve didn’t quite understand. Tony repeated the question a second time. “How long have you wanted this? Wanted me?” 

“Since the day we met. I dreamed of you after that.” Steve murmured between kisses. “I dreamed of you every damn night for weeks.” 

Tony took Steve’s hand and moved it down over his erection in his pants. Steve unzipped him and slipped his hand inside, opening his boxers with his fingers and pulling Tony’s cock through. Tony grunted. His skin was hot and smooth. 

He looked into those brown eyes again. 

“I want you, too,” Tony said against his mouth. 

Steve kissed him one last kiss then sank slowly to his knees on the floor in front of Tony. 

“Dear god,” Tony breathed as Steve moved close and kissed his head, inhaling deep, Tony’s scent enticing and exciting him. 

Tony put his hands on Steve’s head as Steve slipped his mouth over Tony, taking him deep into his mouth, deep enough to press against the back of his throat. He put one hand on Tony’s outer thigh to steady them. Tony was trembling beneath his hand. 

Tony said nothing for quite a while, at least, nothing that Steve could understand as he licked and sucked, taking Tony as deep as he could and using any skills he had to give Tony as much pleasure as he knew how. 

The trembling was harder and Tony was nearly panting at times, moaning loudly at others. His hips seemed to be moving of their own accord as he fucked Steve’s mouth finally, pressing as deep as he could and holding tight to Steve’s head with one hand while the other one sought Steve’s hand and squeezed it. 

“Oh fuck! I’m coming!” Tony almost shouted as he did just that, going completely still as his cock spasmed and filled Steve’s mouth and throat. Steve swallowed, ignoring the warmth that he felt for Stark, or trying to. 

When Stark was still and done, Steve slowly let him go and stood, pulling Tony into his arms again. 

“What do you -” Tony started to say but Steve shut him up with a kiss. 

Steve meant to be noble and let Tony go. He was in over his head and he feared Tony was, too. He hadn’t been with anyone he cared about since 1945. He wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t kill Stark with his need.

He meant to let him go, but Stark looked into his eyes and said, “Make love to me, Steve. I want – I want you so much that I ache inside.” 

Steve was lost. Completely lost. 

He led Tony to his bedroom and let Tony strip his clothes off. His hands were trembling too hard by now to be able to do much but watch. 

“Do you have something we can use?” Tony asked. 

Steve nodded at the drawer in the nightstand. Tony opened it and removed a tube of lube. Steve saw his smile. “So you really have been thinking about this?” he asked Steve. 

Steve nodded as Tony lay on his back. “I need to see you,” he said by way of explanation. He squirted lube into Steve’s hand. Steve used his fingers to get Tony ready then rubbed the slick gel on himself. Tony pulled his legs up toward his chest as Steve positioned himself to enter him. 

Steve closed his eyes as he pressed himself deep inside. Tony was hot and so fucking tight.

“Look at me, Steve,” Tony asked him and he opened his eyes. He had to fight not to tell Tony he loved him as he began to move inside him. He leaned down over him so they could kiss. Tony gripped his sides hard and would have left bruises had he been another man. 

He moved slowly at first, trying to be gentle, but it was no use. 

“I won’t break, Steve. It’s all right.” 

Steve was still cautious, but soon he forgot that, forgot everything but chasing the pleasure he knew was so close, so sweet and momentarily, so elusive. 

Tony shifted a little and wrapped his legs up and around Steve, arching his body against Steve. “Come on, love me, Steve.” 

He did. God help him, he did. He drove deep, coming finally, blissfully inside Tony. It went for longer than he remembered it happening before, with Tony clinging to him, whispering sweet words he’d never had whispered in his ear until now. 

When he was done, he started to pull away. Tony held him still.

“Not yet. Just stay for a few minutes.”

“I’m heavy.” 

“Not as much as you think,” Tony answered with a kiss. 

After a while, he moved out of Tony and lay beside him. He couldn’t say anything for fear of what he’d say. 

“Sleep?” Tony asked.

He nodded, glad not to have to say anything. He hoped there would come a day that he could tell Tony what he felt in words. 

*

The service was over. Pepper had gone back into the house with Morgan and Happy. 

Steve was standing on the dock, looking out over the water. He was remembering that night, the first time. There had been many nights since then. They’d been everything to one another at times and nothing at others. He’d hurt Tony more than he’d ever hurt anyone, hurt him so much Tony had left him, hurt him so much he didn’t come back for seven years. 

Steve had given up. If they could just act like friends, that was enough. 

After Natasha had died, Tony had to put the finishing touches on the gauntlet. He spent a lot of time at the Avengers facility. One night, Steve had gone to bed, leaving him and Bruce working and talking science. He had barely closed his eyes when someone tapped on the door. 

“It’s open,” he said as he sat up and pulled on a pair of sweats.

It was Tony. 

“You disappeared.”

“I can do a lot of things, but talking about science is not one of them. I decided that maybe I should get a few hours of sleep.”

“About that…” Tony let the phrase hang. 

“Yeah?” 

He knew he looked older, too, but Tony had aged a great deal in seven years. His hair was gray and he was slimmer, smaller somehow. It was like he’d drawn in on himself. He was still Tony, still sexy and still the man he’d fallen completely in love with years before. He still wanted him as much as he ever had. 

“Since we have no idea what we’re doing, I wanted – wanted, I wanted one more night with you.”

Steve’s heart was slamming against his chest so hard that he thought maybe he was going to have a heart attack. 

Tony said nothing more as Steve held his arms open for him. Neither spoke for a long while. 

Even after all the years, Steve still couldn’t say the words. He said a lot of words and hoped Tony knew, but he never said _those words_, never said, “I love you.”

The next day, Bruce had put on the gauntlet. 

Steve sat down on the dock. 

“You knew I always loved you, didn’t you?” he finally said out loud. 

He didn’t even try to stop the tears that fell down his cheeks.

**Author's Note:**

> My [**Tumblr**](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/alexcat45).


End file.
